Over the last few weeks, I have been questioning what I want to do with my time now that J is getting to an age where he will be going to nursery for a couple of days a week. I have played about with doing a cake decorating course, learning a language, doing a creative writing course, doing my Egytpology degree, going back to work..... The list just kept on going. After talking to my mum, I came to the conclusion that I just needed to focus on one thing and run with that. The only problem is what to do?
There have been a few things that have happened recently that have made me question what I should be doing and worse questioning my decision to be a SAHM.
I recently went to a play group with J and was introduced to a group of mums with similar aged children to J. They were all very welcoming and after the usual introductions they began discussing how fabulous they all felt about having amazing jobs and managing to still be hands on mums. To be honest, I was in awe and thought that they were all amazing managing raising thier children and working. That was until I spoke to them. One of the mums turned and asked me what I did for a living. I responded that I was a stay at home mum. She did not respond verbally, but looked me up and down and then turned her back on me and carried on talking to the group as if I was not there! Now I am 100% sure that I did not come across in any untoward way and that I did not give her any reason to respond to me in the way that she did. All I could do was walk away and play with J until song time and then make my excuses and leave. I am also quite ashamed to say that I cried on the walk home and could not get my head around what had happened.
Over the last few weeks I have had a huge debate with myself as to what do I bring to the table? If some mums had thought that I had so little to offer to them based on the fact that I did not work, did it make me any less of a person?
Now back in the dark ages pre baby J, I did have a career, a good one to boot. One that I did really well at and one that I worked blinking hard at. However, once I found out I was pregnant, I realised that I was not living the dream and that after my mat leave I would have a very big desicion to make regarding whether or not I would go back to work. After 9 mths mat leave, we decided that I could stay at home and raise J and any other children we would have. It was a hard decision and not one that we made lightly.
After much discussion with my girlfriends, husband, family and many other people (including a table of people at a wedding we attended - it was the red wine, honest!!), a general consensus was that a person is not defined by what they do professionally, how they look and what they have. A person is defined by how they treat others, what experiences they have encountered, thier actions, what they have learnt, thier friends and family. All of which, the mums at the playgroup could have found out, if they had bothered to talk to me. I also realised that I had made the right decision in being a SAHM. It is not easy at all, some days I really question my sanity when we are watching Monsters Inc for the one millionth time or when J is having one of his tantrums, but it is such a priviledge to be here with the little man and watch him grow up.
However, I have noticed that in recent trips to Tesco, is that I will talk to anyone. I will linger at the deli counter or till point having a chat with one of the assistants slightly longer than I should do, all in an attempt to have an adult conversation. I talk to people doing thier shopping who give me polite smiles that read "back away from the crazy lady!!" Now I do need to point out that I am not some crazy person who randomly skulks in the bacon aisle talking to complete strangers about the weather, but I do manage to talk to a large number of people about nothing! After our last trip to the shops where I needed some points putting on or card and I spent just a moment too long talking about J and his cheeky monkeyness, I realised that I needed some mental stimulation. So again what to do?
I wonder if anyone else is in the same boat and what they are doing. I feel that this could be a time for a little life coaching and a couple of hours of serious thinking about what I want to do. The only thing I certainly know is that I won't be going back to work just yet and I certainly won't let any more people make me question my decisions. So watch this space whilst I have a ponder.....
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